WARNING: NEVER BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR WIFE AT A FUNERAL

It was about an hour before the funeral was supposed to start, and the room was packed with the family. I was doing the service for the family, but Lea was there to visit some friends that were part of the family that she hadn’t seen in a long time. We walked around visiting in different circles, but my mind was really on the service and making sure I had all my thoughts together. Since I had already visited with the family, I had pretty much resigned to simply follow Lea around the room as she talked and hugged the necks of old friends.

As we stood in a little circle of people, I scooted in close enough to Lea that our arms touched. I noticed that as soon as we touched she moved away to put distance between us. I thought that was all a little strange because Lea is an affectionate person even in public. Wondering if it was just an accident, I tested her again. This time I scooted even closer and seriously invaded her personal space. Again she immediately moved away when I touched her, putting even more space between us. I started wondering, “Did I do or say something in the last few minutes that made her mad?”

It kind of aggravated me that the woman who was supposed to like affection was doing this too me. It wasn’t like I was trying to snuggle with her at a funeral, I had simply scooted in close to her and she wasn’t liking it. Still a little frustrated by the whole thing, I thought to myself, “I’ll show her.” So for the next few minutes, every time she moved to put space between us, I moved to fill that space with myself. I never made eye contact nor did I even look up. I didn’t need to because I could feel the tension between us. Without saying a word, I could tell she was saying, “BACK OFF!” It’s easy to pick up on this kind of body language after 21 year of marriage.

FINALLY, after minutes of trying, she gave in and let me stand relatively close to her. As I stood there looking at the floor, as I had done through this whole nasty ordeal, I looked at her shoes. “That’s interesting,” I thought to myself, “I’ve never seen those shoes.” And then I noticed her toenails, “Black? I’ve never seen her toenails painted black.”

Confused, I immediately looked up. To my horror, the woman standing beside me was NOT Lea. In fact, I had never seen that woman in my life. She was the same size as Lea, but this woman was definitely NOT Lea. I’d spent the last few minutes deliberately trying to invade the personal space of some woman I did not know.

I was so confused. Where had Lea gone?? When had she walked off?? How long had I actually been trying to make a pass at this woman?? One thing I wasn’t confused about was the look on her face when we finally made eye contact.

I immediately did what any person in my position would have done … I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could. When I finally found Lea, I think she could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong. As expected, when I told her the whole scary story, instead of getting sympathy, I got laughter.

After getting my nerve up, I did go back and explain to the nice woman that I was not trying to hit on her at her grandmother’s funeral. Thankfully after apologizing and explaining everything to her, she too thought it was funny.

Me? I just wanted to go crawl under a rock somewhere and hide.

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Article by Trey Morgan

I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast. Read 1182 articles by
32 Comments Post a Comment
  1. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the laugh!!
    Sandi

  2. L.C.T. says:

    That's utterly hilarious.

  3. Jami says:

    Trey, that's nothing. On a cruise once I slapped another man on the behind thinking it was my husband even though my husband was standing right by me.

  4. TREY MORGAN says:

    Jami … that'd be a funny story to hear!

  5. cwinwc says:

    Jami beat me to it. My wife walked up to another man thinking it was me and grabbed his tush, gave it a little squeeze, and said, "O.K. honey, I'm ready to go." The "good" part was I witnessed the whole incident from beginning to "end." :)

    Your post caused me to burst out and laugh!

  6. Peter P says:

    Trey, you're hilarious!

  7. Liss and MOMMY says:

    I took the wallet out of my superintendent's back pocket at a football game. Thought it was my dad standing in line. As I came around to the front of him realized my mistake. He just smiled and asked if he could get me something.

  8. Katherine says:

    Oh my word, I LOVE your stories, Trey!! You certainly do not lead a dull life!! 😉 Thanks for the laughs!! Keep 'em coming…

    P.S. I actually blogged today!! :)

  9. Josh Linton says:

    Man, that's the funniest thing I've read in months.

  10. Stoogelover says:

    One (of many) reason I love your blog is that you tell on yourself and give us a great laugh at your expense! Glad you didn't get any more affectionate before you saw those black toe nails!

  11. jel says:

    :O) that was a HOOT!

  12. Jesterhawk says:

    This is what I love about your blog, transparency. You make us feel like we are old friends sitting around a table sharing with each other. Of course, it is mostly you talking, but being your friend I am used to that (LOL!!!).

    Keep up the great posts because I love getting to know another brother in the Lord and the laugh from time to time.

  13. D. Fuller says:

    Trey,
    That was one of the best stories I've read in a long time. As soon as you said you saw black toenails I KNEW it couldn't have been Lea.

    p.s.
    We need to go fishing soon…

    df

  14. Brie says:

    Ask Kyle about the "wedding incident" with the wife of one of the elders…

  15. NB says:

    You're such a funeral stalker!!! Love your screw-ups! Love it even more that you're willing to share them with the world. :)

  16. Anna Renee says:

    Oh my God! Thank God she was understanding! :-0

  17. mmlace says:

    Yeah, brother, that's nothing! When i was in college, there was a fairly newlywed couple at our church, Keith and Kristi, who hung out w/us college kids. (In fact, he had graduated, but she was still in college.)

    One night when a few of us were at the mall after dinner, we were just browsing through a Hallmark store, when my friend Keith accidentally brushed me on the behind…or at least i thought it was an accident.

    He said, "I'm sorry Lacey…"

    And i thought, "Okay, he's apologizing for accidentally bumping in to me."

    Until he finished with, "I'm sorry Lacey……I thought you were Kristi!!!"

    Oh my gosh! It was funny!!! Guys, if you're gonna purposely touch someone's rear, before you do, MAKE SURE IT'S YOUR WIFE! Double check, or something!!!

  18. Jim Martin says:

    What a great story! Thanks for posting it!

  19. Dante says:

    The good news is that your wife WAS NOT avoiding you! Next time, try eye contact first…?

    Made me laugh too!

  20. Anonymous says:

    This was great Trey and it did make me laugh! Even Trey gets turned down once in awhile! – Brandon Voss

  21. Anonymous says:

    nasty old Christians!! :)

  22. Anonymous says:

    Several years ago a man came in and sat down beside me at services and then looked at me and said "oh, you're not my wife" At least he didn't put his arm around me and then realize I wasn't his wife. We had a good laugh. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall observing your little escapade.
    Roxie :)

  23. Jojo Agot says:

    Trey, you got me laughing at 2 in the morning!

  24. mssardo says:

    my daughter gave me your blog site. I am 60 and glad I can still learn things especially from my children. I really appreciate how you make being a Christian real. We have been married 41 years and are still learning things about each other and I love the encouragement you give to married couples. The laughs are great. Keep it up

  25. Larissa says:

    Seriously?!?! Oh my word, that is the most hilarious story!!!!

  26. David says:

    Hi Trey,

    That was too funny, thanks for the laugh so early in the morning…

    Have a great day.

    David

  27. preacherman says:

    Thanks for the laugh brother!! LOL :-)

  28. Melanie says:

    Oh my goodness – i did not see that coming! You made me laugh hard! I've enjoyed looking around your blog! I've just started blogging, blogging about marriage and family and how it all fits into being a Christian, too. Does your wife have a blog?

  29. TREY MORGAN says:

    Melaine,

    Welcome and thanks for stopping by. My wife does not have a blog, although I'd include this as hers too. She occasionally guest posts and she proofs for me every day :)

    Blessings on your new blog.

    Trey

  30. Donna G says:

    I remember stalking my dad after church one day like that only to find it was the wrong man….fortunately it was my uncle but as a 12 year old girl I was still mortified!!

  31. Chad Estes says:

    Perfect story.

    Thanks for the smiles!

  32. Helen says:

    Good one! I am glad Peter Pollock linked to this post today!

About Me

Trey Morgan Here are my thoughts about marriage, family, raising children, humor, faith and the life God intended for us all. I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.

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Trey Morgan
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Husband, father and cancer survivor & Senior Minister for the Childress Church of Christ. Tweets about life, marriage, Texas Rangers and randomness.
  • good list. Don't forget Nickelback, OJ, ISIS and beer-throwing Blue Jay fans.
  • He was pretty tough to listen to as well.
  • As crazy as it might sound, Chris Collinsworth just might be worse to listen to than the song Christmas Shoes.
  • Please remember that some Christmas music is incredibly offensive to people with grandmothers who actually were run over by reindeer.
  • Unfortunately, not a great night for "bobcats." :)

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