It all started as a strange dream. Someone was tickling my neck and back with a piece of grass. I’d brush brush it away and a few moments later they’d do it again. Finally after the forth time of brushing them away I woke up enough to realize that it wasn’t a dream.
I looked at the clock and knew since it was 3:30 a.m., that it wasn’t Lea tickling my back and neck. It was at that moment I felt it again, but this time I knew immediately that it wasn’t a dream, a blade of grass or Lea. Instead there was something in bed with us. Something big. I immediately swatted at what I now knew was some sort of critter that had climbed in our bed. In the total darkness of the night the beast felt enormous. I immediately thought to myself, “I’ve got to get me a deer rifle or machete to keep next to my bed?” Never should a person be attacked in the safety of their own bed. Ever.
I knew I had to protect my family, so like any other man, I began to holler out in the dark, flailing my arms about trying to knock this massive beast off me and on to something else. I made the terrible mistake of knocking it towards Lea. She screamed and started jumping out of bed, too. She immediately hit the lights. At that point, my eyes went from trying to focus in the dark to being totally blinded by light. I couldn’t see a thing and was expecting another attack at any moment.
I immediately thought to myself, “I’ve got to get me a deer rifle or machete to keep next to my bed?”
“What is it?” she asked with panic in her voice. “I don’t know,” I said, “but it was enormous!” My eyes were finally beginning to adjust when we started slowly rolling back the bedspread and then the sheet, looking for whatever it was that needing KILL’N. Finally, we pulled back the sheet, and there it was…a big, nasty, hairy, disgusting bug. I don’t have a clue where the bug came from or how it got in our bed, but I knew it had violated our personal space.
With it still sitting on the bed, the bug and I made eye contact. I realized it wasn’t quite so big or bad, BUT had I had a machete or shotgun, I would have used it right then while screaming in my loudest voice, “DIE YOU STINKING BUG, DIE!” I then swatted the bug off the bed and proceeded to kill what I once that was a gigantic beast with one of Lea’s shoes. Why Lea’s shoe you ask? (Yea, she wanted to know that too!) Because she has a million pair, it was the closest, and I wasn’t going to kill it with one of mine!
A few minutes later the bug was dead and now flushed down the toilet for good measure. Watching him make circles as he went down the drain, I thought to myself, “Let’s see you do that again, punk!” The whole ordeal gave new meaning to the verse found in Hebrews 13:4, “…and the marriage bed should not be defiled.” We went back to bed and laid there in the dark. I tried hard to go back to sleep. Lea did to. Every time one of us moved, the other thought, “There’s another one.” It was at that point that Lea went and slept on the couch, and I went and slept with Cooper.