I could use a little laugh today. Thought we’d have a little fun.
Despite Solomon saying, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth,” husbands still have a way of saying things they shouldn’t. Even though Paul said, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others us, according to their needs, that may benefit those who listen,” men still have the amazing ability to stick their foot in their mouth. If we’d just learn to think before we speak our little world would be a better place to live in.
I’ve been there. I’ve done it. Just about the time the words leave your mouth you think, “I probably shouldn’t have said that!” Here are a few thing stupid things a husband can say to his wife. And just to let you know, one of these I said to my wife, Lea, not to long ago. Not smart.
- “Are you going to wear THAT?”
- “How’s it going, big momma?”
- “I make the money, I can do with it what I want.”
- “Honey, I bought you a surprise today… it’s a broom.”
- “Have you put on a little weight lately?”
- “That’s not how my mom did it.”
- “I like the way those pants make your tummy pooch out.”
- “Oh, I’m sorry, did you say something?”
- “You’re acting like you mother.”
- “Can we eat our anniversary dinner you made in front of the television and watch Sports Center?
(looking at supper) “What’s this stuff?” - “I wish you dressed nice like Eddie’s wife.”
- “I wish you could cook more like my mom does.”
You have to agree, they are all “stupid” thing to say to your wife. So, can you think of any more “stupid” things? Things you’ve said or you’ve heard said? And, any guesses on which dumb statement above got me in trouble? I’ll give you the full story later.
—————————————-
Answer:
A few years ago we were living in a house that had a really big kitchen with linoleum floors. It was such a pain to sweep with the “little” broom that we had. On my way to work one day I saw a truck parked along side the road with mops, brooms and other household cleaning items for sale. I thought to myself, “A considerate husband would buy a better broom for his wife to use so she didn’t have to use that little one.” I stopped and paid $25 for a nice dust mop (broom). I remembered how well they worked in my high school shop class.
When I got to work I called her to tell her I had bought her a nice prize that cost $25 and would bring it to her when I got home from work that day. I told her she could guess all she wanted but she’d never figure out what it was. I really thought I was doing something really nice. And now (hindsight is 20/20), I can see that a broom wasn’t one of those things she was guessing I would be bringing.
After a few hours of her trying to figure out what it was, I finally came home from work and handed her the broom. “Surprise,” I said, “I bought you a broom today.”
I probably don’t have to tell you the rest of the story, but I will tell you that she has never used that broom even once. It remains in the garage to this day.
Lesson learned!
I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 23 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.
“Eva Longoria is my favorite desperate housewife!”
“I bought some books. but don’t worry I remembered to use my credit card.”
“Yeah, I’ll get around to it later.”
I have said a few those myself… never again will I repeat them. My favorite on the list, that I have never said, is “How’s it going, Big Momma?”
I think you said, “What’s this stuff?” when Lea made something new for dinner.
Whatever it was you said, I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it.
My guess as to which one got you into trouble is “You’re acting like your mother.”
Here is one for your list — “that dress looked better on your sister.”
And, before you ask, NO, I am not that stupid!
Trey,
Now you’ve gone to meddling. I may be leaving the blog world. I don’t know if there is anything appropriate to say other than the advice my father-in-law gave me to say to Kathy. The answer is always ‘yes dear’.
I’m sure Kathy could enlighten you on something I said I should not have. I am not coming up with any fuel for the fire. On the other hand, love keeps no record of wrongs.
I could hear yuo say the ‘big momma’ one.
Entering witness protection,
James
Before we were married, James, my mom and I went shopping for a dress that I could wear to bridal showers etc… I believe his exact words when I came out of the dressing room were, “Don’t you need a girdle with that?” I thought my mom was going to hit him for me.
Kathy
I once said to my wife of less than a month, “you are so beautiful, I love to look at you in the dark”.
Mr. Neva
PS–I really meant it
For my part, I’m not sure the story is true. I would not use the word ‘girdle’.
James
BTW, again, love keeps no record of wrongs.
Ned, I remember hearing you said that.
James
Brian – The “Eva Longoria” comment made me laugh hard.
Lisa – wrong guess.
Chris – That’s too funny. I’ve never thought of that one.
James – Witness Protection… too funny. And the girdle story takes the cake!
Mr. Neva – I understand exactly what you’re trying to say!!!
There’s got to be a few more stories out there, surely!
i’ve found that not talking to my wife reduces the risk of getting in trouble. that is why most men grunt…
my wife wanted our kids to call her dad, “big daddy”, fortunately they call her mom, “Granmommy” and not “big momma/mommy”
brian
I have adopted the “customer is always right” attitude when it comes to my relationship with my wife. I have discovered that this is the best way to maintain harmony and the need not to use make-up to cover black eyes.
But, if you just want a funny story, here is one from my daughter.
When she was small. Her mother would say prayers with her at night before going to bed. After one of the prayers, the conversation between the two went like this.
“Mom, you know how you keep praying that you will be a better mom to me and my brother?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“Well, when is that going to happen?”
Chris – excellent story!!!
Trey,
When I came along they were already calling my paternal grandmother ‘Big Momma”. I was told it was not refering to her size. She was big though. It was confusing as a child. It didn’t help she was very candid if she thought someone had too much weight. She could be pretty blunt.
James
When Kathy was in high school her mom was very skinny and they called her big mom. They quit calling her that after she quit smoking. I never went there.
James … you are a wise man
Then it’s “Oh, I’m sorry, did you say something?”
Lisa, sometimes that’s the smart thing to say … keeps you out of trouble. You know. Play dumb.
I should have tried it instead of the one I did.
Okay, last guess: “I make the money, I can do with it what I want.” (I would have guessed “You’re acting like your mother,” but Chris already guessed that.)
This may not be the same thing, but when I “jokingly” imitate my wife nagging me she gets mad because she says I use the same voice for her as when I “jokingly” imitate my mom nagging.
She doesn’t care that I imitate her nagging. She thinks that is a little funny. She just doesn’t like the voice I use because apparently I use that same voice to make fun of my mom.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should just quit making fun of my mom!
Gilbert … Excellent material there brother. Had a good laugh at that one. As for the voice. It’s your call, but making fun of your mother-in-law IS legal you know.
For the record, now that I am a mother in law—those jokes just aren’t as funny. Ned has a wonderful heart, sometimes things just come out of his mouth wrong—not just to me but to others too. One day after preaching a young man came and shook his hand stating, “Ned, your sermon made me want to be a better man.” To which Ned replied, “Well, I can only hope”—came out much different than he meant. If we didn’t all know his heart, we would probably have to end his life.
Just kidding
Peace
neva
BTW, my grandchildren think “stupid” is a nasty word so we call it “not smart”—thus “Not Smart Things to Say To Your Wife”–might need to add “Or To Anyone’s Wife”–
n
“Not Smart things to say to someone else’s wife”
might be a list of its own
brian
Brian … I like it when you hang around here. You’re always good for a laugh. I couldn’t have said it better.
I definately DIDN’T say that one.
Neva – I understand where Mr. Neva is coming from. Occasionally I’ll say something to Lea and I’ll realize that it came out wrong. Before she says anything I’ll say, “That didn’t come out right, did it?” She’ll say in her kindest voice, “Nope, wanna try again?”
She’s so good to me!
Trey, reading the comments brought to memory something Jeff Foxworthy said, hope you enjoy.
“Rule #1 — if she (wife) aint happy you aint happy.
Rule #2 — if she aint happy long enough your gonna be unhappy with half your stuff.
Early on in our marriage when we’d be in the same room for half an hour and she didnt say a word a word to me i would make the mistake of asking her whats wrong? Hoping it was something other than me.
Now, i have learned if we’re in the same room for half an hour and she doesnt say a word to me that IT’S ME.
Now i just go up to her and say, Baby i realize i have done or said something stupid and insensitive and while i dont yet know what it is i would like to go up to my room and think about it for a little while.”
chris is smart.
brian
Brian,
Everything in that last post except the introductory comment is from Jeff Foxworthy.
But, I do appreciate your keen sense of judgment.
well, then, chris is smart for picking up on the wisdom given by foxworthy.
Trey,
Good list.
In regards to the questions, how do I look, am I getting fat, does this outfit look ok, etc….
Isn’t it funny that we often ask for your honesty and you guys love us so much that you give us your opinions. Then we get mad and you feel betrayed. What we mean is LIE TO US GOOD ENOUGH THAT WE BELIEVE YOU!
Have you heard the comedian talk about his conversation with his wife?
WIFE: Honey, Tell me if ever I start getting fat.
HUSBAND: Ok, right after you tell me that I’m getting stupid!
I will say the tone of voice thing is very important. The first month that James and I lived together, I cried many times simply because I thought he was yelling at me. He has learned how to talk in a nicer voice and I have learned to not read to much into his tones.
Kathy
Trey, you had to have asked “How’s it going, big momma?” I can just hear you say that. You’ve been around me long enough to realize that my mouth gets engaged way before my brain does. It’s a good thing that Bec has a good sense of humor or has developed one over the years. If not, I wouldn’t be around to make this reply…Dane
Monica – That is TOO funny. I new we could have some laughs today. Funny stuff.
Dane – I’m glad Bec has a sense of humor or you’d be living in my little camper trailer.
hahahah
that’s good. can’t wait for my sis to get home, she has a good story too,
ahhahahah
brian
Look at it this way — it is still in one piece because she didn’t break it over your head.
Ahhh, the memories! I am glad there are others like me in this world.
Re: Neva’s comment–”stupid” isn’t a nice word in our house either, but I used it on Brian’s blog recently, thinking it was okay with grownups (for some reason it sounds different on the computer than out loud near the kids). And he censored it!! Made it look like I had used a REALLY bad word! Personally, I like the thought that it indicates a somewhat pure mind if the worst word I use is “stupid.”
I would laugh if you said what Dane thinks you said. I’m pretty sure my hubby has said that to me before — though if I were really unhappy with my weight, it would have been the last thing he ever said.
(btw, Brian, you don’t have to use “anonymous.”)
FYI, I just read the list (including everyone else’s additions) to Dan, and he was laughing pretty hard. And when I read, “How’s it going, big momma?” he said, “oh, I’ve said that before.” I said, “I know!!” (o;
I always liked, “And another thing I don’t like about your mother……”
There’s NO WAY you got away with that one, Gallagher!!
Lisa,
I am glad you are dragging Dan into your blog world.
K
Dane … you hush and stay out of this. You’re going to ruin my reputation with these people who don’t know me. And yes, that sounds like something I’d say in a very “joking” way!
Gallagher … too funny. But jokes about Mother-in-laws always are!
K — I’m trying!! It’s a lot more fun. We’re trying to do more together — so I’m trying to show interest in our new ping pong table, and he’s trying to show interest in my blogging friends.
Trey, your MIL doesn’t like you very much, does she. (if she does like you, she must not read your blog!!)
HA!
gallagher good one,
yes, lisa, other doesn’t work, I have to use anonymous.
I think you are the only one who noticed I used cartoon bad language to censor the word stupid.
brian
What is with you men?? The broom story hit too close to home. My husband surprised me two Valentine Days ago when he bought me (drum roll please) my own Drill set. Yes, I said Drill set! I just sat there after I opened it and looked at him like I had just entered the Twilight Zone. He was so excited and I didn’t have a clue as to what to say. For the next few seconds I just looked at him and his smile slowly faded. I felt sorry for him but still can’t believe it. He asked, “Don’t you like it?” I wanted to say, “Have we met??” But I just nodded with a “you’ve got to be kidding me” look on my face. Sadly to say he kept the drill and got me something else even though I would’ve kept it and tried to drill something (could this have been the plan all along-hmmm?)
Funny post and never let him know I told you about the “Valentine Day” incident
Paula
http://www.paulaharrington71.blogspot.com
Paula, I’m glad to see that your husband and I are a lot a like. Loved the story… too funny. Made me laugh
I had a professor in college who taught Philosophy. He taught it about three other times before I had him and each previous class had complained about the text book.
Here is what he said to my class-
“Don’t complain about this text book. I handed it to my wife last night and even she can understand it.”
He is still teaching and still married and has moved to a very well known university in or around, let’s say, Henderson, TN.
We all passed that class
AW
My wife won’t even accept gift cards, domestic tools and appliances are out of the question.
Now you got to tell us who that us Don. I’ll be there Sat. It would make good conversation
that philosopher quip could have been by lipe or gilmore…..but I don’t know who taught at your school when you were there…
but I will guess lipe.