PORNOGRAPHY IN MARRIAGE

“Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure…” Hebrews 13:4

Most of the time I write a post, I get some comments and a few days later the post is forgotten. But, there are times when you touch a nerve on a topic and the post seems to grow and take a life of it’s own.

Over a month ago I did a post on “Men and Sex” and how husband’s deal with sexual temptation. I talked about how important it is that wives help in fulfilling their husband’s sexual needs and how pornography is unhealthy in marriage. That post still continues to get tons of daily visitors and it also continues to get comments, something that usually doesn’t happen with old posts.

The biggest nerve that I touched with that post is the idea that pornography in marriage is unhealthy. For the past 4 weeks my email inbox has been full of letters from people who have had their marriages damaged by pornography. I was asked by the writer of the following email to please share with others her story about the dangers of pornography in marriage. Here it is …

Trey,

I just want to say thank you for your recent posts on pornography. I greatly appreciate the woman in your most recent post on this subject, without even trying she has encouraged me to stand and not be afraid to speak out against it.

For me these posts are important for several reasons and I feel that if you know how much these topics can help people you will be encouraged to continue to discuss it. I was shown pornography the 1st time when I was 5 years old. The image of that magazine picture is burned in my memory. It was my older brother who showed it to me. 3 years later he began violating me, he did so until I was 15. A short time later he died and I never got the satisfaction of a face off with my abuser. I feel now, many years later, that God delivered me from him. I’m only telling you this to explain that it all started with pornography. It might have happened anyway…but I can’t excuse the fact that he was “grooming” his 5 year old sister with it. Who could ignore that?

Pornography was basically always a part of my life. All through my growing up years my brothers always had it around, hidden in secret places that I always found. My friend’s fathers had it hidden around their homes too. I saw way too much of it growing up. So when I married a man that used it I didn’t think that much about it. I actually believed all men used it and it was just normal. I grew up in the church, my parents were always faithful and pretty involved, I was always seeking out God and trying to learn more and do better….even in the midst of my adversity. So how did I not know that “all men” don’t use it? Because it wasn’t talked about, that’s how.

If it had been talked about, I might not have married the man I did. I full well knew that he used it, in fact it wasn’t just magazines it was videos, really, really sick videos, the stuff I think must be what they classify as “hard porn”. I turned my head to it and let it happen. While I was wasn’t looking he began abusing me. I didn’t even see it for a long time. It started very gradually and has worked its way through our marriage to the point that I am trying to leave him now. I am abused daily…emotionally, verbally and physically. Some people that truly know my situation would even say sexually abused, although I have a hard time admitting that…I just don’t want to believe that could happen a second time in my life. I don’t know from day to day if I will stay or go. It’s serious enough that I could call the police and have him arrested at any given time. It has taken many months of counseling from a good friend to just be able to hold up my head and fight back to save myself. He has helped me see also that pornography is at the root of all the evil things in my life. Its the common denominator from my childhood and now my life as an adult.

I don’t write any of this lightly. I don’t make a habit out of telling strangers about my troubled life. But I feel so strongly now that porn has led me down this path…I have to speak up. I can’t remain silent. If otherwise good men knew the dangers that lurked in those pages, on that video, they may think twice before picking it up. If young girls knew how demoralizing it is and how men sometimes treat their wives because of it…they may think twice about marrying them…I hope that they would. If I had known better, I could have done better. So please…don’t stop talking about it. Encourage others to talk about it too. There is a lot of bad things that come from pornography…a lot. The church needs to know that…the world needs to know that.

Thank you for the insightful posts you put on your blog. I appreciate the view point you provide your readers.

(Comment of the Day: Charlie said…
I ve been there and Ill never go back!!! I have had it in my marriage and it nearly destroyed my life and a marriage for 10 years . If you really call yourself a man,a husband, a father,most of all CHRISTIAN then you need to stop ,before it destroys your soul .Think about how it affects our children,if you have daughters like I do , those girls involved in porn, they are someone’s else’s daughters. And our sons, they treat women based on our example. Where’s our integrity?Great post!! :)

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Article by Trey Morgan

I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast. Read 1182 articles by
24 Comments Post a Comment
  1. Jeanne M. says:

    Many years ago while attending the Lipscomb lectures, I heard a speaker state that pornography was rampant in the church. He also stated that many preachers were involved. Because I felt he overstated the situation, and that Lipscomb approved of what he said, I never returned to the lectures.

    Although I am certain that my mate is not involved, we both know of preachers who have gotten caught up in this addiction. One is in prison because of abusing a minor girl.

    I pray for the woman who wrote the email that she will find the courage to remove herself from that polluted marriage relationship. May many other women find the courage, also, to get out of any relationship that is not how God would have a marriage be.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Just a thank you to your reader for sharing. I pray liberty for her because of her bravery, not only in surviving, but in sharing for others to learn and be educated.
    Thanks for the forum, Trey. May God give you a glimpse in this life of the fruit you are producing.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Wow…I don’t really know what to say. It’s amazing how sometimes we choose to minimize things and never see the full effect. Many things in that letter, I never thought about. Thank you to whoever wrote it and thank you for sharing it.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for addressing the subject, again and again. I was caught up in this filthy practice, starting at the beginning of puberty. I can’t tell you how many times I told myself I would quit, but allowed myself a “step-down” approach to get away from it gradually. That approach never worked. When I finally opened up to my girlfriend about it, I was able to go cold-turkey. I’m still on guard every day, but I’ve been clean for several months now. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much to the readers, but it’s big, wonderful news for me. This amazing woman and I are engaged now, and I have absolutely no intention of hurting her ever again with this issue. She really is a wonderful help to me!

    What’s so surprising to me is how easy it was to quit when I involved my spouse-to-be in my repentance. I’d spoken to my bishop before, and I’d prayed fervently before. I don’t want to diminish the importance of those actions, but for me, for some reason, I was particularly motivated by the love of this woman God has blessed me to find.

    At the risk of being preachy (well, I guess it’s alright to be preachy on this blog!), I really feel that women need to demand more from their men on this issue. Good men will answer the call. How can they not, when their women and children are suffering because of their sins?

  5. fraizerbaz says:

    IMHO, pornography really has NO place in a Christian home. Some married folks will justify their use of porn, simply because they use it together, as a couple. I realize that the marriage bed is undefiled, but God did not intend for couples to be bringing sexually explicit images into the bedroom. When you start doing that, you are no longer “in the moment” with your spouse. Sex between husband and wife is meant to edify a marriage, isn’t it? Porn only cheapens it, to say the least. Again, this is my opinion. Take it for what it’s worth.

  6. fraizerbaz says:

    P.S. Just touching on what Jeanne wrote, I’d like to reference a paragraph from the article located here: http://www.crosswalk.com/root/1336107/page0/

    “Accepting the fact that at least half of Christian men (pastors, music ministers, missionaries and those in children’s ministry included) have an issue with porn is a big pill to swallow.”

  7. Anonymous says:

    Okay…can someone address this question? What if you’re dating someone who doesn’t think it’s a big deal? How do you get them to understand just what it does? Or do you think that that is a no-win battle. I’m really, really stuck here and I don’t want to “overlook” something, just because I don’t want to lose the relationship.

  8. TREY MORGAN says:

    There are a lot of “Anonymous'” that I’d like to address.

    I think I’ll use the “time” on the Anonymous names …

    3:32 – thanks for you honest and openness. I think you are right on in accountability with your girlfriend. The quickest way to defeat the evil stuff is to go cold turkey. As for your last paragraph and women demanding more from their men … AMEN!!!

    Fraizerbaz – You are right about “No” place in the Christian home. As for the quote … powerful and though provoking. I’d have to think on that one.

    4:18 Anonymous – If someone loves you and is serious about you, then they have to take consider your thoughts and opinions on this subject. The person you’re dating may not see it as a big deal, but if they really respect you they’ll consider your opinion.

    I’d continue to try and explain how it makes you feel. I know, easier said than done. Hang in there.

  9. Anonymous says:

    What if they if they also don’t see the importance of church. They recognize God as a creator, they are a “christian” but not fully engaged in that relationship. I’m probably answering my own questions here.

    The subject goes away when it’s addressed, but it keeps coming back up.

  10. A sad mom says:

    Anon 3:32 – thank you for your insight and God bless you on your journey. You’re spot on with “good men will answer the call.”

    Anon 4:18 – don’t go there. You are worth God’s best for you. Never settle just because you don’t want to lose the relationship. Some things in a relationship are simply non-negotiables.

    Trey, thank you for sharing this. My heart and prayers go out to the author of that email that she find the strength and faith to leave this relationship and continue to find support and love around her.

  11. Anonymous says:

    it’s sad to me, I just feel like I find more and more that “the good man” isn’t out there. Does that mean settle, no…but it’s frustrating. Things, not just pornography, are so easily accepted and not addressed for what they really are. But the whole “good man” thing is probably just a whole other post. Men, women too, need to step up and be what God intended them to be.

  12. Curt says:

    I agree that this is a issue for all men whether they are married or not and I think that it is a shame that this is not discussed more with the men in the church to help those with the problem overcome it. I am greatful to you Trey for putting up these articles when many others do not approach the subject and often times try to avoid it.

  13. Charlie says:

    I ve been there and Ill never go back!!! I have had it in my marriage and it nearly destroyed my life and a marriage for 10 years . If you really call yourself a man,a husband, a father,most of all CHRISTIAN then you need to stop ,before it destroys your soul .Think about how it affects our children,if you have daughters like I do , those girls involved in porn, they are someone’s else’s daughters. And our sons, they treat women based on our example. Where’s our integrity?

    Great post!! :)

  14. TREY MORGAN says:

    a sad mom – well said.

    5:22 Anonymous – I promise the good guys ARE out there. I heard a wise man once say that you look for a spouse that is teachable. They won’t be perfect so at least get one that will allow themselves to be taught. Not bad advice.

    Curt – Thanks for stopping by buddy.

    Charlie – Amen. I’m glad you were able to get things under control before it was too late. Blessings.

  15. Preston Belt, Beautiful Downtown Lockney, Texas says:

    That just awful! I can’t imagine how anyone could deal with that 2 times in their life. I have known a few pornoholics in my life. Just like drinking or frugs, it took just once then they were hooked. I have seen it destroy homes. I have seen it destroy good, upstanding men. Not just their homes but their spiritual life and careers. I thinks it’s worse than alcoholism or drug addiction!

  16. nick gill says:

    When male and female come together in a committed, honest, loving sexual relationship, we fully reflect the one who created us.

    Can you imagine Jesus sneaking away from his relationship with the Father and the Spirit to look at naked pictures of Ba’al?

    THAT is how sick pornography is.

    Compound that by the incredible evil that drives the people who spend money producing pornography, exploiting so many virtually helpless people.

    Add to that the heartrending brokenness one sees and hears in the performers themselves.

    And yet, I fight my addiction every day. I know how awful it is to share in an evil that crushes the life out of so many… and still the flickering screen calls me like a syren to my destruction.

    Fathers are supposed to teach their sons how to be like God. Yet EVERY guy I know, without exception, was led into his addiction by his father’s lifestyle.

    God, save us from ourselves. Help us also “lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

    in HIS love,
    nick

    PS – 4:18, LOVE never fails. Remember when addressing this issue with your significant other, you are trying to save their soul. Try not to let the discussion turn into something about what you want. Addicts are very good at turning the tables when confronted.

  17. Mike says:

    I think there is one thing that is missed, porn is a big problem in the church. I have heard many studies all of them pointing to some very scary stats on Christians invovled in this stuff.

    Thanks for posting this. Let us keep encouraging each other in this area.

  18. e3 says:

    I ran across an article this morning on 3xchurch.com which addresses guys that are struggling. It’s a good one when you have a few minutes: http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/men/iwanttochangeijustdontwanttochange.html

  19. Anonymous says:

    I still cannot understand why my husband feels a need to view pornography. He knows how I feel about it and we have had many arguments after I have found the purchases on pay-per-view. He always tells me, “I didn’t watch all of it, because I felt ashamed of myself after purchasing it.” Of course he feels ashamed, it is the Lord placing those feelings on his heart because He knows what it does in a marriage.

    In my case, I feel my husband watches pornography because I am not a skinny, beautiful woman and our sex life is not what it should be. The women in these movies are beautiful, thin and will do ANYTHING in the bedroom. Why would he not watch.

    It breaks my heart that I am not the kind of wife my husband desires. I try really hard to be a good wife and try to please him in the ways a wife should, but evidently it just isn’t working. I got the phone bill in the mail today and there were two more charges for adult movies.

    I hate pornography and I hate what it is doing to our marriage. We have a daughter and I have told him to look at these movies and see that these girls are someone’s little girls whose lives have been corrupted by the devil. All the talking in the world won’t change his desire for these movies.

    I love my husband with all my heart, but things like this sure do leave a scar on my heart. Maybe my new year’s resolution should be to look and act like these women in these movies. Maybe then he would be attracted to me physically.

  20. fraizerbaz says:

    To the anonymous commenter who comment is just above my own, I wish there was something I could say to convince you that this isn’t because you don’t look a certain way, or behave a particular way in the bedroom. His behavior and actions are not because of your appearance, or your willingness to do anything to please your husband.

    When I was 22 years old, I was engaged to a man who flat out told me that he did not “need that stuff” (pornography) as we drove home from a weekend retreat for engaged couples. (This was in 1992, before internet porn became an epidemic.) Mail-order porn catalogs addressed to him would come in the mail. He would claim that he didn’t know why he was on such a mailing list. It wasn’t long after we married and started living our life together that I found ALMOST DAILY pay-per-view charges to the “Spice channel” on his cable bill. And at $6.00 per charge, I instinctively knew that he had a problem.

    After he promised he would stop, I then discovered a “Club International” magazine under the sofa. Then a package containing both Asian porn and fetish porn arrived at the house. The phone bill would arrive with long distance phone numbers to Chicago and other places where I knew he had no family members or friends. He would immediately confiscate the bills, but on one occasion I found one and called the numbers which I learned were used for those “adult entertainment” phone chat lines. He would repeatedly promise to stop, and yet kept sneaking around and hiding his problem from me.

    The hard part for me was that I was already an attractive young woman, in good shape, and was never a stick-in-the-mud in the bedroom. I couldn’t understand why he needed that stuff when he had me.

    The point I am trying to make is that it’s not about you. It’s about him. No matter who a man is married to, he will be facing the same struggle with this.

    It’s important to pray daily about this. For him. For yourself. For your family. And let your New Year’s resolution be to love yourself unconditionally, for who you are on the INSIDE, regardless of your husband’s behavior.

  21. TREY MORGAN says:

    Fraizerbaz – very well said. Thank you for sharing that. I hope Anonymous drops back by to read your response. It is right on target.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Fraizerbaz, thanks for your supportive comments. I am trying hard to see that this is not something I have done to drive him to do this, but it is really hard to do. I just feel my spirit as a woman and a wife is crushed. I’ll never be able to be what he needs or wants for that matter. I’ve read Trey’s blog about making a marriage successful and the part about not bringing up past hurts is a good point. When I bring up the hurt I have in my heart for the pornography, he asks why I want to bring up things from the past….even if it is two weeks later. I feel my only option is to accept it or not. I really don’t see a middle ground on this one.

    Thanks again for your supportive comments.

  23. fraizerbaz says:

    I do understand where you are coming from. I really do. The hurt that you feel is very real. Your feelings matter, and should be acknowledged, rather than just swept under the rug.

    I think that not bringing the past is good, when the time comes. I also think issues need to be resolved before we can put the ‘past’ hurt away for good. Because if it’s not, it really isn’t in the past, is it? It’s still very much a part of the present.

    From my own experience, my ex-husband’s compulsion with porn made me feel as if he was cheating on me. He may as well have been having a physical affair with a real woman – that’s how it made me feel. And for years, I didn’t know if I was wrong or right in feeling that way.

    After the lies and deception had been revealed on his part, I felt as if I could no longer believe him. Or believe IN him. I just gave up and allowed the broken trust to erode my marriage. It wasn’t hard to do.

    Please don’t give up. Don’t give up on him, and don’t give up on you. You will need a solid support network. People who care about you and people you can trust.

    I believe in miracles. I believe that your crushed spirit can be renewed, and so can your marriage.

  24. brokenbed says:

    Trey, I appreciate your attention to this epidemic. I too have allowed this beast into my marriage. We have battled for so long and continue to battle. God has strengthened us through this trial (Rom 8:28), but it was not without pain. My wife has really been challenged in her love for God, but it has only been by his strength that she has persevered. Please pray for us and many others that battle this in our bedrooms and battle to restore our marriage bed to purity.

About Me

Trey Morgan Here are my thoughts about marriage, family, raising children, humor, faith and the life God intended for us all. I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.

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Husband, father and cancer survivor & Senior Minister for the Childress Church of Christ. Tweets about life, marriage, Texas Rangers and randomness.
  • good list. Don't forget Nickelback, OJ, ISIS and beer-throwing Blue Jay fans.
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