MY WORST CHRISTMAS GIFT: TERROR IN A TIN CAN

I love fruit. I love cake. So tell me, please, why do I hate fruitcake? It is my Christmas kryptonite. I cannot stay in the same room with it. I cringe when I am offered a slice. Should I be truthful or polite? “You’re not going to let that inside this house!” my stomach warns me. Fruitcake is not listed on the menu of any fine restaurants that I know. It is not a last-meal request for inmates on death row. Have mercy. I saw a T-shirt recently that read: “Puh-leeze! Not a Fruitcake!” Because fruitcake used to come in a tin box, I’ve labeled it simply as terror in a tin can for anyone who receives this vile present at Christmas.

When it comes to Christmas gifts, there is no Christmas gift more dreaded and more prolific than the fruitcake. It has been said that there is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other because no one wants it.

A recent American Express survey about Christmas gifts found that the fruitcake was chosen as the worst holiday gift. It even finished ahead of “no gift at all.” Meaning most people would rather have “nothing at all” than a fruitcake.

Something has to be wrong with fruitcake when…

  • You don’t have to refrigerate it.
  • Men and birds won’t eat it.
  • Mice and roaches won’t touch it.

Things to do with a fruitcake…

  1. Use it as a door stop.
  2. Hide in it during a nuclear fallout.
  3. Kill it with a mallet and wooden stake.
  4. Place in the toilet tank to conserve water when you flush.
  5. Plug the rodent holes in your house.
  6. Use a slice to shim up the leg of that wobbly table.
  7. Chock the tires of your car, truck or trailer.
  8. Throw at police during violent protests instead of bricks, rocks, or molotov cocktails.
  9. Use it as blast shielding for launch re-entry space vehicles.
  10. Give it to someone you don’t like.

So what’s the worst Christmas gift you ever got?

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Article by Trey Morgan

I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast. Read 1182 articles by
24 Comments Post a Comment
  1. Anonymous says:

    Wow, do you really make up all this stuff(it’s good?mjc

  2. Anonymous says:

    This makes me want to send you one for all the tricks you’ve pulled on me. If you don’t get a pile of fruit cakes this year I’ll be surprised.

  3. Tim Archer says:

    One word: pannetone (what we call pan dulce in Argentina )

    It’s what fruitcake would be if it ever converted.

    Have a great week!

    Grace and peace,
    Tim

  4. Greg says:

    I think you should post your mailing address. I’m sure people might want to send you a little “something” this year for Christmas. I know I would!

  5. Matthew says:

    Never liked fruitcake either.

  6. jel says:

    Fruitcakes , is Very Good! if it is made right! :)

  7. David says:

    Fruitcake is Satan’s way of embedding himself in the Christmas season.

    I posted my fruitcake recipie last night. You should be able to get there by copying and pasting this link.

    Peace brother!

    http://dchristian.net/blogs/dcmba/?p=76

  8. roadtripray says:

    Gosh, I actually like fruitcake. Maybe I should post my address and you can send me your unwanted tinbox terrors.

    Please … no “You are what you eat” comments LOL.

    — Ray

  9. Falantedios says:

    Fruitcake is really good fresh out of the oven. Preservatives and packaging seem to transform it into high-quality construction material. I bet somewhere online you could find someone who has built a house out of fruitcake bricks.

    Nick

    PS – Worst present? I have this heart-wrenchingly awful memory of being around ten years old at a family reunion Christmas gathering at my great-grandmother’s farmhouse in Vernon, AL. We opened presents and I was such an ingrate that I (I’m literally cringing in my chair right now) complained about not having enough presents.

    My family took up a collection and put $20 in a jewelry box for me. I thought they’d just found one more present until my parents explained the awful truth on the way home.

    So, that $20 is the worst present I ever got, because it is a consistent reminder of the thoughtless cruelty of my words.

  10. lisa says:

    Dozens of sweet old ladies are reading this in tears thinking their gifted fruit cakes throughout the years have been unappreciated. Poor ladies.

    It’s the thought that counts!!

    (o;

  11. DJG says:

    I can’t think of any really bad gifts that are not food related….

    but fruitcake is the worst…especially when it is from your husbands company….

  12. Anonymous says:

    Trey, fruitcake is wonderful! The fruitcake from Corsicana TX are the best!!! My sweet daughter sends me one every year….. but I thought it was because she loves me, now I have to question even that?lol Oh well, to each his own.
    E.E.S.

  13. TREY MORGAN says:

    Tim – Oh that stuff doesn’t look much better.

    David … funny post.

    Ray – you and Jel need to submit your address and we’ll send you all our fruitcake.

    Nick – dude, super sad story. What a tough lesson to learn.

    Lisa – None of the little old ladies that try and force-feed me fruitcake have a computer. So I’m feeling safe. :)

    Eddie – Now you know what your daughter REALLY thinks of you! ha

  14. David Kirk says:

    Great post! I hate fruitcake!

  15. Anonymous says:

    I see a lot of fruitcakes around the holidays, too.

    now, pannettone, I like!

    brian

  16. Jeanne M. says:

    When my husband was in a Civitan Club in Dallas, they sold Claxton, GA fruitcakes. I told him never to bring one home, even though he sold lots of them.

    I don’t like citron, candied pineapple, candied cherries, or anything else in fruitcake except pecans, and it isn’t worth picking them out. I have a spice cake recipe that I really like – without all that fruit, just raisins or dates and pecans. If I allowed myself, I could eat a whole one at one sitting. 😉

  17. Anonymous says:

    I never liked getting clothes for Christmas. This was a time for toys, even during the Depression. I got my first baby doll then.

  18. Anonymous says:

    I would Trey, but DH would have a fit , for giving it out!

    jel

  19. Anonymous says:

    oh wish you had said that U didn’t like them before this , cause that is was i sent ya for christmas! :)

  20. AncientWanderer says:

    No such thing as a bad Christmas gift.

  21. Bob Bliss says:

    Trey,
    here’s a link for a brief history of fruitcake.

    http://www.villagevoice.com/nyclife/0247,sietsema,40011,15.html

  22. JD says:

    Trey, I bet you STILL haven’t watched IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. sigh.

    I love fruit cake. I have always wanted one of those from Corsicana and was looking at the ad just yesterday. We had a church gathering and I bought a small fruit cake and took it. It was almost all eaten…out of guilt I guess.

    I also like a brandied apricot cake that one of our elders’ wives used to make. She made her husband drive 30 miles out of town to buy the brandy! lol

  23. TREY MORGAN says:

    John – I’m waiting for the movie to come on television this Christmas. I promise I’m going to watch it.

    As for liking fruitcake … you’re a trooper John Dobbs, a real trooper.

  24. Joshua says:

    I’m pretty sure I’ve been too scared to ever try fruitcake.

About Me

Trey Morgan Here are my thoughts about marriage, family, raising children, humor, faith and the life God intended for us all. I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.

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