I love fruit. I love cake. So tell me, please, why do I hate fruitcake? It is my Christmas kryptonite. I cannot stay in the same room with it. I cringe when I am offered a slice. Should I be truthful or polite? “You’re not going to let that inside this house!” my stomach warns me. Fruitcake is not listed on the menu of any fine restaurants that I know. It is not a last-meal request for inmates on death row. Have mercy. I saw a T-shirt recently that read: “Puh-leeze! Not a Fruitcake!” Because fruitcake used to come in a tin box, I’ve labeled it simply as terror in a tin can for anyone who receives this vile present at Christmas.
When it comes to Christmas gifts, there is no Christmas gift more dreaded and more prolific than the fruitcake. It has been said that there is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other because no one wants it.
A recent American Express survey about Christmas gifts found that the fruitcake was chosen as the worst holiday gift. It even finished ahead of “no gift at all.” Meaning most people would rather have “nothing at all” than a fruitcake.
Something has to be wrong with fruitcake when…
- You don’t have to refrigerate it.
- Men and birds won’t eat it.
- Mice and roaches won’t touch it.
Things to do with a fruitcake…
- Use it as a door stop.
- Hide in it during a nuclear fallout.
- Kill it with a mallet and wooden stake.
- Place in the toilet tank to conserve water when you flush.
- Plug the rodent holes in your house.
- Use a slice to shim up the leg of that wobbly table.
- Chock the tires of your car, truck or trailer.
- Throw at police during violent protests instead of bricks, rocks, or molotov cocktails.
- Use it as blast shielding for launch re-entry space vehicles.
- Give it to someone you don’t like.
So what’s the worst Christmas gift you ever got?