Intimacy is both physical and emotional closeness in marriage. Being physically intimate is what leads to emotional intimacy and is what God talked about in Genesis 2 when he said, “… and the two (husband & wife) shall become one flesh.” Intimacy should be one of the strengths and cornerstones of your marriage. One of the struggles of our marriages is how to keep intimacy strong and how to keep intimacy killers out of your marriage.
The “serious” intimacy killers that do the most damage are things like…
- lying
- technology
- loss of trust
- inability to express your needs and feelings
- not listening
- daily separate lives
- being self-centered
- angry arguments
- lack of touch
- lack of time
Lea and I always laugh and say that our 10 biggest intimacy killers are the following …
- Children
- Kids
- Offspring
- Babies (Thankfully we’re past this.)
- Toddlers (Past this one, too)
- Pre-teens
- Teenagers
- Niños (if you speak Spanish)
- Taylor, Parker, Connor & Cooper
- Yes, you guessed it, children.
Okay, just so you know, we do believe our children are blessings in our lives and not burdens. We love our children with all our hearts, but at the same time, we work extra hard to have “us” time in our marriage. Here are a few things that have helped with the “children” intimacy killers …
- We work hard to eat together by ourselves several times a week.
- We have a lock on our bedroom door.
- We’ve always encouraged our children to sleep in their own beds … not in ours.
- After our children leave for school, we take a little time every morning to drink a cup of coffee together.
Those are just little things … but very important things. God is sure good to me to put Lea in my life. I definitely married up!
I’m curious … does your “intimacy killers” list resembled ours?
I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 22 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.
You are just across the border from my home…Hollis, OK. I liked your article. A good sense of humor is one of the guardians of intimacy, too. Too often we use sarcasm as humor and end up paying for it with eroded intimacy. We have 39 years…40th anniv. in September this year.
Hmmmmmm. Can I amen the kids thing? I love them. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are the most adorable little petri dishes on the face of the planet. And have some kind of radar that requires them to need attention at the most inopportune times.
I think worry kills intimacy. Worrying about money, or work, or school, or whatever. If that’s all that you think about, you aren’t focused on your partner, and intimacy goes out the window.
Lack of laughter is the other biggie, I think. If you can’t laugh together and take joy in each other in little silly things, then it’s hard to maintain a deeper relationship.
YES! We got married when he was 37 & I was 27 – first marriage for both of us!!! We were married 7 years and out of the blue I got pregnant! God bless us with a son – I was 35 and Randy 45! Last year God thought our family needed MORE character so I gave birth to a spicy little girl. Now…all of our friends AND family are having Grandbabies we are embracing parenthood with a 4 year old & 1 year old at 40 & 50! Plus we are home schoolers!
I can relate BIG time!! Once we have the babies to sleep each night we usually cuddle on the couch together and watch one of our favorite shows and enjoy popcorn together. Randy always kisses before he leaves for work and as soon as he comes home.
I went through the Top Ten List again and I feel good about where Randy and I. I am going to print them and review with Randy to make sure he feels the same!
Thanks for the great post!