Maybe it’s my personality, maybe it was the way I was raised, BUT I do NOT like constant complainers.  I’m okay with someone occasionally needing to get something off their chest, BUT nothing gets under my skin more than a person who constantly gripes and complains about everything. I’m not talking glass half empty people, who tend to not be as positive … I’m talking people who can’t even see their glass.

Here are a few things I don’t like about people who constantly complain…

A nice or new building doesn’t make a church a healthy church. Big numbers of people don’t make a church a healthy church. Big budgets don’t make a church a healthy church. So what does make a healthy church?  What does a healthy church look like?

Here are what I believe are 10 traits of a healthy church …

Life is about learning. Learning from mistakes, victories and others makes me a wiser and stronger person. Here are a few things I learned this past week.

1. I learned that small communities are amazing. I love it when they rally around one of their own.
2. I learned that I’m ready for fall weather.
3. I learned that you can get in the dog house by being forgetful. Yip, one slip up (or two) and you can be in BIG trouble. It was William Congreve who came up with the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” but I’m thinking what he really meant was, “Hell hath no fury like what a woman gives a man who accidentally leaves the dish she fixed  for the funeral lunch in the bed of his pickup all afternoon … instead of taking it in for the family to eat.” Yip … I’m sure that’s what he was trying to say. I’m just glad Lea’s a forgiving person.
4. I learned that night time prayers with Cooper are the best. Last night his prayer included, “Thank you God for giving me an awesome mom and an awesome dad.” How can you not like that?
5. I learned, and continue to learn, that ministry can be an emotional roller-coaster. In just ONE day last week I celebrated with a family over the birth of their new baby, prayed and loved on a friend whose wife is leaving him, cried with a friend on the phone whose father was dying, pleaded for help for a single lady with 4 kids whose water had been cut off for more than two weeks, and sat in ICU with a family whose loved one’s life was hanging by a thread.. I was emotionally wiped out by the end of the day … but I still believe I have the best job in the world.
6. I learned that I love being both a father and a friend to my boys. I loved having all the boys home this weekend and playing games, hunting, watching movies, laughing, etc. with them.
7. I learned that I’m ready for both the NFL and Fantasy Football to start. Since I’m not a college football fan … I wasn’t ready for it to start.
8. I learned that the biggest PR problems of Jesus were because of his followers (things like this and this). I think as Christians, it would be amazing if instead of always promoting what we’re against as Christians, we start promoting what we’re for!  Those who call themselves Christians ought to be the most loving, forgiving and gracious people on the planet.
9. I learned from watching a movie that a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. I learned that you should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. No, I will not explain.

1. LIE FOR YOUR KIDS. When a parent writes their child a note to school saying their child was sick or had a doctor’s appointment, and really they just over slept …. YOU are teaching them it’s OKAY to lie. Don’t you get it? NEVER lie to help cover up mistakes for your kids.
2. DON’T GIVE THEM ANY RULES. Just let them do what they want. They don’t need any direction.
3. AUTOMATICALLY THINK EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY GET IN TROUBLE. Your child is perfect, how could they ever do anything wrong? If your child gets in trouble it’s got to be somebody’s fault, but surely not your kid’s fault. When I was a kid, if I got in trouble at school (yea, hard to believe), I got in trouble when I got home as well. Now days, when a child gets in trouble at school, the parent thinks it’s the school’s fault, the teacher’s fault or the principal is picking on my child! Have you ever thought that your child just might have done something wrong?
4. NEVER DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN. Discipline is overrated. Just always threaten to punish them without ever following through. Want more on disciplining children? Click here!
5. DON’T MAKE GOD A PRIORITY IN THEIR LIVES. They don’t need church, faith or a large dose of God these days. Instead let them discover their faith on their own … once they get older.
6. PULL STRINGS TO GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF TROUBLE. Actually, if your child has done something that deserves punishment, let them be responsible for their own actions. Don’t threaten to call a lawyer, talk to the principal or talk to a superior to get your child out of trouble for something they’ve done. Have you ever heard of “you reap what you sow” or you have to be responsible for your own actions?
7. BE INCONSISTENT. Tell your kids to do one thing then you do another. Tell them not to lie, and then let them hear you lie. Don’t practice what you preach. INSTEAD … be the parent that’s brave enough to get up and turn off a television show that doesn’t need to be on. Teach them by your example. Let your children see you consistently living what you preach. Be consistent.
8. GIVE YOUR KIDS EVERYTHING THEY WANT. They may think they need a new car, the latest electronic games and the best clothes, but sometimes you have to say, “No.”
9. STRIVE TO BE THEIR FRIEND MORE THAN THEIR PARENT. Believe it or not, your children need a parent more than they need another buddy. I wholeheartedly believe in being friends with your children, but not at the cost of giving up the role as their parent.
10. UNDERESTIMATE THE ROLE OF THE FATHER. This coming year 40% of the children born in our country will be born in a home where there is no father. We’ve quickly become a country where the men like to fool around, but they don’t like to stay around. Despite Ephesians 6:4 telling us that it’s the father’s role to train the children, fathers are not taking responsibility for that role. Men … man-up, it’s time to be a dad.

Can you think of any I missed?

About 5 miles west of Childress is a prison that houses 1200 men.  National statistics say, “85% of those sitting in prison today grew up in a fatherless home,” that just goes to show you the powerful roll fathers play in the lives of their children.

God has blessed me with four incredible boys. As their father I want to be proactive in raising them. They are one of the biggest ministries in my life right now. I’d rather fail as a minister, a missionary or a businessman, than fail at fatherhood.

I was thinking this weekend about how much I enjoy being a dad and how much I enjoy hearing my boys say certain things to me. It wasn’t long until I had a list of things I love to hear my children say.  So here are the top 10 things I love to hear my children say…

10. Glad you’re home Dad.

9. Wanna do something?

8. Can I take out the trash for you? (I don’t hear this one very often)

7. Can I ask you something?

6. Can you help me?

5. I missed you.

4. You are a good dad.

3. Thanks, Dad.

2. I love you, Dad.

1. Do you wanna have a catch? (I still cannot watch this video without getting choked up!)

What do you like to hear your kids say to you?

• Leading small group bible studies. I’m so much more in my comfort zone when I’m standing in front of a group preaching.

• Quiet people. They always make me wonder what they are thinking.

• When I’m watching television with Lea and a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on.

• Close talkers. I’ve actually created the amazing “lean back, leg out” technique to keep people at a distance who feel the need to talk two inches from my face. Ask me sometime and I’ll show you how it works.

• Singing songs at church that don’t make sense.

• Men who don’t follow the urinal buffer zones rules in public restrooms. You can practice “here” if you’re not sure of the rule.

• People who like to discuss things about their bowel movements.

• When people tell an “off colored” joke and I choose to not laugh.
• When I’m being introduced at a place where I’m speaking.
• God’s totally irrational love (Romans 5:8).

What are things that make you uncomfortable?

1. I’m learning that ministry is not a job, but a lifestyle. It’s who you are, not something you do. When I start seeing my ministry as a job, I need to get out of it and start doing something different.
   
   
2. I’m learning that rest is important to ministry. It’s okay to rest, relax and sometimes run away and hide. Jesus did it.

3. I’m learning that I can’t please everyone all the time. So I’m not going to sweat it.

4. I’m learning that ministry is about people and when you’re not involved in people’s lives, you’re not involved in ministry. Also, in order to be around people, I must get out of the office.

5. I’m learning that some of my most valuable relationships are those with people who are really different than me, and some down-right strange. They’re the ones that keep life interesting and they’re the ones Jesus would have been spending all his time with.

6. I’m learning that far more important than my ministry, and only second to God, is my family. God did not give me a family to place on the back-burner of my life. Never neglect or sacrifice your family. They are your MOST important ministry.

7. I’m still reminding myself to avoid with all my might the three “G’s”, gold, girls and glory. Nothing will kill your ministry or witness quicker than one of these three things.

8. Never stop learning. Most jobs require CE’s (continuing education) because it’s necessary for us to continue to learn as we go.

9. Practice what you preach, even when no one is looking. That’s called character.

10. Don’t beat people up spiritually, build them up.

1. Honey, I think we’re lost. Is it okay if I stop up here and ask for directions?

Preachers and ministers in the churches of Christ have always been movers. I read once that church of Christ ministers move on average about once every 3 years. Personally, I’m glad I’ve hung around in my ministries longer than average.

• 1. Control Issues (who should run the church)
• 2. Poor people skills
• 3. Church’s resistance to change
• 4. Minister’s leadership style (too strong or too weak)
• 5. Decline in attendance and/or conditions
• 6. Conflict with other staff
• 7. Disagreement over doctrine
• 8. Ethical misconduct
• 9. Sexual misconduct
• 10. Poor work ethic (lazy)

QUESTIONS:

• In your lifetime, why have you seen ministers/preachers leave?
• Does anything about this list surprise you or not surprise you?
• I’d be curious to know from others in ministry, how important is it to you when looking for a church to work with, to find one that has a history of keeping ministers for a long time?

I visited with a man the other day that was very concerned about the church where he was attending. His exact words were, “We’re dying. Some don’t care, and the others don’t know what to do about it!” He and I got to talking about some of the signs they were seeing that pointed to their church dying out. The following are a few we talked about, and of course I’ve added a couple that are a little tongue-and-cheek. So with the help of my friend, here is “10 Signs your Church may be Dying.”

1. It does nothing to reach its community.
2. The only thing that seems alive in worship is the greenery at the front of the auditorium.
3. The song you sing most on Sundays is, “Tis so sweet to Rust in Jesus.”
4. Worship is quiet because there are no children.
5. Its only conversions come from baptizing its own kids.
6. It is concerned with look and not action.
7. It is happy just being comfortable.
8. It is out of touch with the 21st century.
9. It is all about money, buildings and budgets.
10. It is all politics.

Can you add any to this list?

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See you tomorrow…

I love it when Lea and I read books together. Currently we’re reading the book, “Red Hot Monogamy – Making Your Marriage Sizzle”, by Bill & Pam Farrel. I’ll read a couple of chapters, she’ll read a couple of chapters, and then we’ll talk about the things we’ve read.

• lying
• loss of trust
• inability to express your needs and feelings
• not listening
• being self-centered
• angry arguments
• lack of touch
• lack of time

After talking about intimacy killers for a minute we decided that the above list didn’t fit us very well. So we decided to make our own list of intimacy killers that we have struggled with in our marriage. So without further ado, here is the first ever top 10 list that Lea has actually helped me to comprise. Trey and Lea’s top ten intimacy killers….

1. Children
2. Kids
3. Offspring
4. Babies (Thankfully we’re past this.)
5. Toddlers (Past this one, too)
6. Pre-teens
7. Teenagers
8. Niños (if you speak Spanish)
9. Taylor, Parker, Connor & Cooper
10. Yes, you guessed it, children

Okay, just so you know, we do believe our children are blessings in our lives and not burdens. But, after we finished our list we just laughed and laughed. I asked her if it would be okay to share our top ten list with the blogging world. She said, “Sure, go ahead.” God is sure good to me to put Lea in my life. I definitely married up!

Has your “intimacy killer’s” list ever resembled ours?

1. A HEALTHY FAMILY DISPLAYS AN IRRATIONAL LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. It’s not just any love, it’s irrational and unconditional. It’s an “I’d die for you love.” It’s a love that would go to any length to help one another.
2. A HEALTHY FAMILY COMMUNICATES TO ONE ANOTHER IN A LOVING AND GRACEFUL WAY. The inability to communicate is one of the top reasons for divorce in America. We need to learn to communicate in a way that shows love and grace. No yelling, no name calling and no pouting when you don’t get your way. As Steven Covey puts it, “See first to understand and then to be understood.”
3. A HEALTHY FAMILY AFFIRMS THE VALUE AND UNIQUENESS OF EACH PERSON IN THE FAMILY. God must have a sense of humor. Why else would He put polar opposites in families. I wrote about this recently in detail (here). Every person in your family is valuable and important. God made them just the way He wanted them. There should be no black sheep or outcasts in families.
4. A HEALTHY FAMILY VOWS TO NEVER ABUSE, SHAME OR INTIMIDATE ONE ANOTHER. The most deeply wounded in this world are those who have looked to their parents for love and support, but instead of receiving love they were yelled at, kicked or hit. Parents who abuse, shame and intimidate their children take home all the prizes at a “soul-shattering” contest. Healthy families don’t do this!
5. A HEALTHY FAMILY SHARES A COMMON SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION. Families today don’t need a little dose of God but a LARGE dose of God. Families need dads to be the spiritual leaders in the homes and not just send their families to church but go with them.
6. A HEALTHY FAMILY INSTILLS A SENSE OF RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER. Parents should start teaching their children at a young age that God loves everyone. He doesn’t love one class of people more than another or one race of people more than another. Red, yellow, black and white, they are all precious in His sight. We are to respect others, because God loves them.
7. A HEALTHY FAMILY TEACHES BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS. It’s frustrating to look around and see that no one wants to take responsibility for their actions anymore. Everyone is looking to blame everyone else for what they did wrong. It’s time that we start teaching in our families again that we take responsibilities for our own actions.
8. A HEALTHY FAMILY PLAYS TOGETHER. The most vivid memories I have as a kid are those that involve a time that we were playing as a family. A vacation, a backyard ballgame or a trip to grandparents. Playing as a family is essential. It builds lasting memories and teaches us it’s okay to have fun. I believe the family that plays together stays together.
9. A HEALTHY FAMILY CELEBRATES RITUALS AND TRADITIONS TOGETHER. Rituals and traditions teach your children permanence. It tells them ahead of time, “we’ll be together again next year.” I have a friend that always took his four boys to the state basketball tournament every year. They stayed in the same hotel, ate at the same restaurants and stopped at the same places. It taught his boys that it didn’t matter how crazy things got in life sometimes, they always knew that come spring they’d be going to Austin for the basketball tourney with dad. They would be together and everything was going to be okay.
10. A HEALTHY FAMILY SEEKS HELP WHEN THEY HAVE PROBLEMS. Healthy families don’t sweep problems under the rug. They don’t pretend like everything is okay. Instead, a healthy family seeks help when they have a problem they can’t handle by themselves. They seek help from a counselor, minister, elder or friend. But what ever you do, don’t just ignore it and think it’ll go away.

HOMEWORK: How about a little homework assignment? I’m planning on sharing this list with my family tonight at supper to see what they think. I plan on asking them how we are doing on these things and see if they can think of any others I’ve missed. I challenge you to do the same. Sit down with your family and talk about the list, and ask them, “How are we doing on each of these? Are we a healthy family that’s batting 1000 or are we striking out on some of these?” Then after discussing the list, post it on the refrigerator or some place that it can be seen, so it will remind you of what you’ve promised each other. Besides in a few months your son or daughter will probably look at it and remind you, “Number 8 on this list says we’re supposed to play together … do we intend to do that in my lifetime?”

Growing up I remember shows like The Walton’s, Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, Happy Days, Bewitched, I Love Lucy and others. Most of these shows showed us a traditional family of mom, dad, and kids. They didn’t seem to have any real problems because there are no story lines about prior marriages, step-children, lack of sex, chores, physical abuse, infidelity, drinking problems, drugs, dropping out of school and threats or even thoughts of divorce.

We got the idea from shows like this that marriages were perfect, every one’s needs were always met, children raised themselves and never caused problems. And no matter what, you always lived happily-ever-after. Wow, how untrue.

I require in every wedding I do that I have premarital counseling with the couple. I also do some marriage counseling for couples who have been married and are having problems. In counseling there are always some things I pick up on that are myths or untruths about marriage that we have created in our minds over time. Here are a few I’ve noticed…

1. GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY: I’ve heard this phrase more than any other. Most of the time it’s from the person that’s wanting out of a marriage and they are looking for a reason. “But I believe God wants me to be happy in marriage and I’m not,” has been muttered a million times. Understand this, happiness comes and goes in marriage. You will not always be happy all of the time. It’ll take work from both sides to be happy.

2. THE KEY TO A LONG MARRIAGE IS ROMANTIC LOVE AND SOME LUCK: I can’t help but smile when young couples who are wanting to get married tell me, “Trey, we’ll be alright. When things get bad, we’ll live off the love we have for each other.” It’s at this time I’m usually looking for a trash can so I can throw up. Believe it or not, marriages that last are built on good old-fashion work; no one ever “lives on love.” Good marriages and even great marriages don’t just happen, they take work. What kind of work? Read a book, attend a weekend marriage seminar, go through a His Needs Her Needs class, take a weekend to get away without the kids, be willing to make changes in your own life or simply start by asking your spouse “How are we doing?”

3. HAVING KIDS WILL BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER AS A HUSBAND AND WIFE: Actually most studies show the opposite. The stress of having children often pushes the struggling marriage of a husband and wife farther apart. If you have children make sure you maintain your relationship with your spouse. Continue to date, spend time together and go for walks to keep your relationship strong with your spouse. If you focus 100% of your time and energy on your children you relationship with suffer from it.

4. COUPLES WHO LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF HAVING A LONG LASTING MARRIAGE: Actually that’s false. The divorce rate is quite a bit higher for couples who have lived together before marriage than it is for those who didn’t.

5. ALL MY NEEDS WILL BE MET ALL THE TIME IN MARRIAGE: That’s a big whopping lie. Hopefully your spouse will do everything they can to meet your needs, but thinking every need will be met at just the perfect time is unrealistic. There will be times in your marriage that “romance” will be lacking. Your spouse won’t always be there at your every beckon call for sexual fulfillment. Plain and simple, your goal is not to get your own needs met in marriage, but to meet your spouse’s needs and in turn they meet yours.

6. MY SPOUSE WILL KNOW MY NEEDS WITHOUT ME SAYING ANYTHING: No way. Just because you are married doesn’t mean your spouse can read your mind. You have to tell your spouse what your needs are in order to have them met. Quit giving your spouse the stupid old phrase of, “We’ll you should know my needs without me having to tell you.”
   
   
7. CONFLICT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MARRIAGE: Conflict happens in every marriage. In fact, conflict can often bring growth in your marriage. I’m not saying that the couple who is constantly having a knock-down-drag-out will have a healthy marriage, but that working through conflict can bring marital growth.

8. A HAPPY MARRIAGE WILL NOT HAVE PROBLEMS: Every marriage will have its problems. Couples who truly love each other have problems and stress just as any other two people. In order to make it through the difficult times, the couple must have a commitment to each other and effective and honest communication. Seek help when you come to an impasse.

9. MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE LESS SEX AND LESS SATISFYING SEX THAN SINGLE PEOPLE: I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this, but it’s just not true (read this). According to a national survey, married people have more sex than their single counterparts and report more physical and emotional satisfaction. Maybe it’s because it the way God created it to be!!!

10. MY SPOUSE WILL CHANGE AFTER WE’RE MARRIED & THINGS WILL BE BETTER AFTER WE’RE MARRIED: People and things do change. However, the most accurate prediction of the kind of companion your spouse will be in the future is the kind of companion he or she is right now. Those who marry a person with the intention of overhauling their personality or of converting them usually face serious disappointments.

In the long run, marriage is built on good old-fashion work. Your marriage needs love, support, tolerance, communication, realistic expectations, caring, nurturing, and even a sense of humor to be successful.

Did I leave any “myths” off that you can think of?

1. Your spouse carries a picture of the back of your head in their wallet because this is what they normally see.

2. Sitemeter goes down and you have a panic attack.

3. The first thing you do when visiting a new blog is to see if your blog is on their blogroll.

4. Your spouse’s lawyer serves you with divorce papers by leaving a comment on your blog.

5. One of your children walk up to you while you’re at your computer and you ask, “Now, which one are you?”

6. Your mom finds out you’re having another child by reading your blog.

7. You find yourself thinking, “That’s a great blog idea,” so you get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the idea down.

8. You’re putting off going to bed with your beautiful wife so that you can think of number ten on your top ten list.

9. You decide to take a sabbatical from your blog for a full day.

10. You have more friends in the blogging world than in your real world.

I’ve preached a lot of sermons over the past 20 years. I’ve seen a lot of “crazy” things while preaching. Here are 10…

1. People sleeping (of course).
2. A child playing a Gameboy.
3. A man on the front pew clipping his toe nails.
4. My zipper unzipped.
5. A man doubled-over in pain in the foyer at the back of the auditorium and unable to get any ones attention to help him.
6. One of my children “wave” at me.
7. People listening intently (thankfully).
8. The electricity goes off and it becomes pitch black. Someone lit a small candle, placed it on the pulpit and I was told to keep preaching, so I did.
9. Hearing the “snap” of a mouse-trap in the empty baptistery behind me and then hearing the “screeching” of a dieing rat through the rest of the sermon (during a gospel meeting at a little country church).
10. A man getting so tickled at something I said that I had to stop and let him catch his breath before continuing.

9. The Holiness of God - R.C. Sproul
Chapter 4, “The Trauma of Holiness” is an absolutely fantastic chapter.

3. Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne

No book has challenged my faith more in how I see the church and what real church is all about.

2. Finish Strong – Steve Farrar

Definitely the #2 book on my list. By far this book has influenced me as much as any I’ve read other than the Bible. I’ve literally read this book a dozen times. Any Steve Farrar book is great gift for a husband or dad, but this one is a must read for all men.

1. The Bible

Still the best selling book in the world and the only book I never get tired of reading. This one is a must read!

So here are 10 books that have greatly affected my life in a positive way. What are some that make your top 10 list?

I write in my Bible, a lot. I write notes about scriptures and about things that encourage me. Here are 10 things I’ve written in my bible that remind me of what’s important.

#1 Jesus was approachable and touchable, I should be too.
#2 Enjoy your spiritual Journey. It’s a marathon not a 40-yard dash.
#3 Be Yourself and Don’t Try to Be Who You’re Not.
#4 Stay Positive.
#5 Don’t lose Sleep Over what Critics Thinks.
#6 Put Your Family First.
#7 Turn Water into Wine.
#8 It’s God’s Grace and He can Give it to Anyone He wants.
#9 Pray Ridiculous Prayers.
#10 Don’t Quit.

1. You can get cleaned up, dressed and be gone in under 20 minutes.
2. You can go to the restroom without 15 of your friends.
3. When you dress, you only have to pick between two pair of shoes.
4. Taking a shower only involves a bar of green deodorant soap.
5. If you show up to a social event wearing the same shirt as another man … that’s cool!
6. You never have to read an instruction manual.
7. You’re never lost.
8. When it comes to accessorizing with your clothes, you have only two choices: brown belt or black belt.
9. All phone conversations are under 1 minute.
10. You only need one small bag for a week long trip.

I can’t help but think of the verse from Proverbs, “There is a way that seems right unto a man, but the end …”

Can you think of any others?