Ran across this in my notes. Don’t have a clue where it came from, but it made me laugh. Thought it might be a good change of pace after a couple of days of serious discussion.

Blessings … Trey
If you can pass the following tests, you may be ready to have children.

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (This could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

FINANCIAL TEST: Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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Article by Trey Morgan

I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast. Read 1182 articles by
16 Comments Post a Comment
  1. Neva says:

    The last step—become a grandparent and laugh your head off!!!!!

    Funny post, glad you are back,missed you brother. Hope you had a great time.

  2. Paula Harrington says:


    Glad you’re back. This is so true. Some made me laugh, some made me cringe. (we’re not far enough away to laugh at all of it yet :)

  3. TREY MORGAN says:

    Neva … hopefully I’m still a few years away from being called grandpa. Oh, that sounds odd.

    Paula … yea, we still have a 5 year old. Some still hit close to home.

    My last two have been so strong-willed. Good thing we didn’t have them first … them other two might not have come along. ha

  4. lisa leichner says:

    My recent Mess test: finding a sippy cup under the couch — it had been there for two days … and it had milk in it (or at least it WAS milk at one time).

    My recent toy test: stepping on a plastic cherry (from the game Hi-Ho-Cherry-O), directly on the stem of the cherry. OUCH! I definitely did NOT manage to not scream.

    The grocery store test is hilarious. Two toddlers that you don’t keep strapped in would be exactly like having two animals with you. UGH!!

    Okay, that’s enough for now. :) There are lots of hard things about being a parent that you could never imagine before having children, but one of the hardest for me is holding down my babies while they’re getting shots!! Why haven’t we Moms figured out to send our husbands instead?

    I’m glad you posted this one today, after those tough posts.

  5. The Preacher's Household: says:

    There is some humor and some ouches in there. You obviously didn’t train your wife well enough. Stay up till 4:00? Lea should have been doing that.

    Kathy and I were just having this conversation about the food mess thing. It is still no bueno.

    Lisa, Kathy does send me.

    and bye the way,glad you’re back too.

    (I’m not even going to try and defend him. Have at it, he deserves all he gets. Kathy)

  6. TREY MORGAN says:

    James doesn’t deserve anything but love and sweetness. Kathy … I think we need to have some counseling 😉

  7. Marie says:

    I loved this post. We are still in the mess testing stage. I think I sweep and mop 12 times a day! They do eventually grow out of it- right??

    I started going grocery shopping (most of the time) after they go to bed- it got to crazy with 3 kids trying to get around Walmart or where ever we were! They don’t make shopping carts for big families (like 3 is big!!)

    To be honest, I have always held my kids for their shots. I cried the very first time with my oldest. Since then, I haven’t. I know it is for their own good and the pain is fleeting (if not that moment). But they usually do pretty good, so I can’t complain. Maybe I’ve just grown numb being on the third one?? :)

    Glad to see your back, Trey. Glad you posted this – have a blessed day!

  8. Brian Nicklaus says:

    the Greek myth of Sissyphus (yea, unfortunate name) is a man who has to push a boulder up a hill every day, and then it rolls back down, and he has to start over the next day.

    the modern day equivalent is trying to keep a house clean when you have kids

  9. TREY MORGAN says:

    Isn’t it amazing how the “tests” change as our children get older. No my tests consist of things like …

    * Making sure I actually do what I tell my children to do.

    * Staying up late worrying about my teen boys even though I know where they are and what time they’ll be in.

  10. The Preacher's Household: says:

    Brian, yes the rolling the rock starts new each day but that is life.


    P.S. I am told a good husband is supposed to defend his wife. So Trey you can have the counseling with me, on the golf course how bout? or we could go fishing

  11. Brian Nicklaus says:

    let’s all assume Kathy was the one that had a comment deleted.

    it may not be true, but it would be funnier that way…

  12. TREY MORGAN says:

    I think James might have decided to say one more thing and then decided it might not be the best thing to say. ha

  13. The Preacher's Household: says:

    I am innocent of all accusations.

  14. Monalea says:

    Children are the only things that enter your home without instructions, information and an online service techs. No matter how prepared you ‘think’ you are…. you are not!

    I agree with Neva, “have Grandchildren and laugh your head off.”

  15. That Girl says:

    Let me just say that I was never very interested in the whole parenthood thing. I’ve been very happy being an aunt!

  16. Brian Nicklaus says:

    a friend/roomie from college is coming in tonight, they are expecting their first kid in a couple of months, i already printed this out for them

About Me

Trey Morgan Here are my thoughts about marriage, family, raising children, humor, faith and the life God intended for us all. I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.

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Trey Morgan
Husband, father and cancer survivor & Senior Minister for the Childress Church of Christ. Tweets about life, marriage, Texas Rangers and randomness.
  • He was pretty tough to listen to as well.
  • As crazy as it might sound, Chris Collinsworth just might be worse to listen to than the song Christmas Shoes.
  • Please remember that some Christmas music is incredibly offensive to people with grandmothers who actually were run over by reindeer.
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  • Chin up Childress Bobcats. We couldn't be prouder. Great fight tonight.

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