Pornography Addiction – My Relationship With A Screen

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(The following is an post I asked my friend Daniel to write about his battle with pornography).

My marriage almost ended four years ago when my wife found out that I was looking at porn — lots of it — and had been doing so since before we met, while we were dating, and all through our first five years of marriage. Caught you a little off guard there with the “p-word?” Make you cringe a little? Sorry about that, but bear with me. It’ll be worth it.

When my wife found out about my use of porn, she recoiled in disgust. At the same time, learning about my use of porn helped her begin to finally make sense of some troubling aspects of our relationship: the disconnection, my inability to “finish,” and my lack of interest in working on and being proactive in our marriage. We’d pretty much become roommates, mostly because of how I related to her.

I had to stop rationalizing about my behavior and begin to see how disconnected I’d become. It helped me to understand that it wasn’t possible for me to look at all that porn and also have an intimate relationship with my beautiful wife. I had to choose.

Picture two dressers in the middle of a room. One has all the drawers open, the other only one. The drawers represent the thoughts being processed by two individuals at any one time — a male and a female. Can you guess which is which? Women can process multiple thoughts at once, in contrast, guys open one drawer and then close it when they move from one thought to another. So it’s no surprise that when porn is involved in a marriage there’s a distraction and disconnect, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The moment my wife found out about the porn, the truth set in. The little bit of trust that we had at the time, trust that had been built over the course of years and years, was gone in a few minutes. Just like that, gone.

Having a partner who’s addicted to porn and sexually compulsive behavior is the worst betrayal a woman can encounter. With alcohol and drugs there isn’t a direct correlation to the woman, but with porn and sex it’s different. The wife sees it as a full on assault to her physical nature. She starts asking herself questions like, “Am I no longer attractive to him?” Women have enough of an issue with body image, especially with the culture we live in. The realization that your husband is spending hours looking at naked women having sex can be earth shattering. A wife’s self-esteem can take a major hit, even though it rarely actually has anything to do with her. I know that’s hard to believe, but I also know that it’s true.

Porn use often leads to acting out sexually in other ways as well. It did for me and eventually my wife discovered these too. The bottom dropped out. I ended up standing in my living room with my wife telling me, well actually yelling at me, that the marriage was over, that she would be filing for divorce in a few weeks. Mind you these were not idle threats of anger and hurt, but rather a declaration of war, one that I was going to lose. As an addict I tended to think that I had everything covered and together, but nothing was further from the truth. Very quickly that false reality came crashing down. I had two options, accept that my marriage was over or try to get REAL help before I lost everything. With grace I chose the later.

Somehow I convinced my wife to give me a month to show her I could change. She miraculously agreed. I started with a local family therapist and after telling him what I struggled with, he told me he dealt with the same thing and had yet to beat it. Wow. I realized that the “family doctor” wasn’t going to work, and what I need was a “spine surgeon,” a specialist who had precise and skillful approaches to dealing with and getting rid of this affliction in my life. Nothing against the family therapist, but I’d been dealing with this since I was eight; yes eight years old, and like I said I needed a specialist.

God willing I found George Collins at Compulsion Solutions and started what would be a one year journey towards recovery. My wife saw changes in the first month and gave me another month, and then another and so on for a year. The most rewarding part of my entire journey came after about seven months of treatment when my wife told me she felt like we were actually married for the first time in five years. The joy, oh the joy I felt was beyond anything I can describe to you.

My marriage, yes MY marriage is incredible. We just celebrated nine years and my beautiful bride and I are doing amazing, but let me tell you what’s really changed, our intimacy.

Porn inevitably rewires the brain and your view of intimacy. Sexually compulsive people focus on the act of sex, and suppress or altogether ignore the emotional side of sex. You’ve probably heard the saying “foreplay starts outside the bedroom.” That’s not the case with porn. There isn’t a nice date night, or long intimate and engaging talks. It’s just straight to the act of sex. What does this tell your brain? Why do wives feel so unfulfilled after having sex with their porn viewing husbands? I can tell you, because I’ve been that person, the sex is devoid of any real intimacy. A lot of guys that deal with this type of compulsive behavior actually have no idea what real intimacy is. I didn’t.

To have a relationship that is more than sex, understanding that intimacy is not defined as sex, brings you to a level or connection you’ve never thought possible. It’s the design that was intended for us by our creator. A connection so deep and built on all the right things. Any married couple can have sex, most do, but to be vulnerable, opening yourself to be totally discovered by another human being that you’re completely dedicated to is the dipping of your toe into the sea of true relational pleasure. The potentials and possibilities of your marriage relationship are endless and limitless, just as your relationship with our Father is.

I’ll bottom line it for you: If porn is present in your marriage, it won’t survive, not long term anyway. It’s like termites to the structure of a house, slowly and quietly eating away the beams until one day it completely collapses and you’re standing there wondering what happened.

I’m now a full time counselor with Compulsion Solutions and have dedicated my life to getting others free of sexually compulsive behavior.  If it’s something that is present in your relationship, I encourage you to free yourself from it. There’s so much more waiting for you.

For more healthy marriage information click here.

WELCOME TO DUMP DAY 2015

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Every year on the first Wednesday in May we have a lot of people that help give to the Dump Fund. The Dump Fund feeds the people in the trash dump in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. The money also feeds the children who live just outside the dump in a little community called Buen Samaritano.  We built a feeding center there 2 years go because many of the children were not getting fed.

Here’s several things I want to let you know … first and foremost … understand that everything you and I give goes to the ministry at the dump. That’s important to know.

Here are your options for giving this Wednesday …

* SNAIL MAIL:  Send a check to … Honduras Hope, PO Box 9222, Columbus MS, 39705 (attn: Dump Fund)   (This is a tax-deductible donation)

OR

* GIVE ONLINE: HEREhttp://www.easytithe.com/dl/?uid=hondpo256

SO pledge to give today and stick a check in the mail OR give online. EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS. When you give … leave a comment with the amount your pledging to send so we can keep up with how much has come in. We need to raise $25,000, to continue this ministry for another year. Thanks for your faithful giving and thanks for helping us feed hungry people.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink… I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” ~ Jesus

DUMP DAY is May 6th

18183_10152611826672242_5415935556217941511_nEvery year on the first Wednesday in May we have a lot of people that help give to the Dump Fund. The Dump Fund feeds the people in the trash dump in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. The money also feeds the children who live just outside the dump in a little community called Buen Samaritano.  We built a feeding center there 2 years go because many of the children were not getting fed.

Here’s several things I want to let you know … first and foremost … understand that everything you and I give goes to the ministry at the dump. That’s important to know.

Here are your options for giving this Wednesday …

* Send a check to … Honduras Hope, PO Box 9222, Columbus MS, 39705 (attn: Dump Fund)   (This is a tax-deductible donation)

ALSO … GIVE ONLINE HERE: http://www.easytithe.com/dl/?uid=hondpo256

SO stop by here on Wednesday and leave a comment with the amount your pledging to send so we can keep up with how much has come in. We need to raise $25,000, to continue this ministry for another year. Thanks for your faithful giving.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink… I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” ~ Jesus

7 Ways To Strengthen Your Marriage

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Putting your marriage on cruise-control isn’t healthy. Work on it everyday and make it stronger by …

1. RECOMMIT DAILY TO YOUR MARRIAGE. We’re not talking renewing your vows, but we are saying that you need to remind yourself daily that you’re blessed to be married and you want to do everything within your power to build a great marriage.

2. TELL YOUR SPOUSE DAILY THE THINGS YOU LOVE AND APPRECIATE ABOUT THEM. No one every gets tired of hearing that they are beautiful/handsome, they are a good parent, they are love and appreciated, etc … so remind them daily. Your praise will motivate them.

3. NOTICE THE LITTLE THINGS YOUR SPOUSE DOES, AND RETURN THE FAVOR. Do small but meaningful acts of service for your spouse – and don’t be surprised if he or she starts to do the same for you. My wife doesn’t like to fill her car up with gas, so I make it a point to keep it filled up for her, and in return she does many little things for me. Little things like this don’t take much time or energy, but they show your spouse that you are paying attention and that you care.

4. DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR SPOUSE FEEL MOST LOVED. We all feel loved in different ways, so find out what makes your spouse feel the most loved. Simply ask, ‘What have I done in the past that made you feel the most special?’ Some people might want a date night. Others might need to be praised verbally.

5. DON’T DELIBERATELY ANNOY YOUR SPOUSE. Any time you live in with another person, it’s inevitable you’re going to annoy each other. Don’t do those things that you know deliberately annoy your spouse.

6. WORK ON YOURSELF AND STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR SPOUSE. It’s easy in marriage to think, “Things would be better if they would just change.” We tend to want to blame everything on our spouse. The problem is, we can’t fix our spouse, we can only work on improving ourselves. So if you want to start improving your marriage, quit trying to fix your spouse and start working on yourself. Hopefully your spouse will notice and likely do the same.

7. REGULARLY DATE YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN. When you’re newly in love and in full courtship mode, you do everything you can to spend every free moment with your partner. Eventually, work, kids and life in general get in the way. It’s easy to go weeks at a time without having any serious conversations that don’t revolve around work, money, or kids. That’s why it’s imperative to set aside time to date your spouse. Vow to take the time to invest in the romantic part of your relationship. Without that so-called ‘spark,’ the other parts of your life, like work and kids, will suffer too.

8 Rules for Arguing With Your Spouse

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1. Respect your spouse.

2. Never threaten divorce. NEVER!

3. Don’t bring up your spouse’s past mistakes. Forgive & move on.

4. Listen more than you talk.

5. Don’t lose your temper. It never helps anything.

6. Don’t try and “win” the argument. You’re on the same team.

7. Seek first to understand … and then to be understood.

8. Never yell, scream or call names.

10 Things You Can Do To Immediately Improve Your Marriage

SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER. Make a commitment to spend more time together and make a weekly date night with your spouse a priority. This may take you sitting down together with your spouse and planning out your schedule. BRAG ON YOUR SPOUSE DAILY. Any old lame critic can pick out someone’s faults; instead focus on […]

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Sex is a gift from God. Sex was created to be good not bad. God designed sex for married people. Good sex begins when your clothes are still on … early in the day. Communicate your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. Sex is fun … have it … enjoy it. Withhold sex for long periods […]

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Get Our App

There is an APP for our Stronger Marriage Workshop for your smartphone. Get it now by clicking here … ANDROID: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details… APPLE: (iPhone, iPad, etc) https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/treymorgan.net/id444419612…

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1. SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER. Make a commitment to spend more time together this year. One of the best things you can do is commit to a weekly date night with your spouse. This may take you sitting down together with your spouse and planning out your schedule. 2. BRAG ON YOUR SPOUSE REGULARLY. Any […]

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CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW & FIND ALL OUR MARRIAGE MATERIAL Sex is a gift from God to married couples. He created it to be enjoyed. A healthy sex life is powerful marital glue in marriage, and it’s what separates soulmates from simply roommates. If you’re not careful you’ll let every day common things snuff out […]

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  FOR MORE INFO … go to StrongerMarriageWorkshops.com and click on the “EVENTS” tab.

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If the church’s idea of community outreach is telling people the times of their services. If the church believes “doing church” is only something that takes place inside the walls of the building on Sundays and Wednesdays … instead of outside the walls in the community during the week. If the church’s sermons are issue […]

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TAKE THIS TEST … WE DARE YOU There are two types of people in this world … people who like their bed made everyday … and those who say, “Why would I make the bed when I’m just going to get back in it later?.” Lea is is a bed maker, and yes, I’m the […]

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Making Your Marriage More Important Than Your Kids

When it comes to marriage, Lea and I struggle with the same things you struggle with. We often find ourselves taking one another for granted for the sake of less important things. Things like busyness, ministries, work and hobbies will always crowd a marriage for time, but I think the biggest challenge for any marriage, […]

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10 Things You Can Do TODAY to Improve Your Marriage

SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER. Make a commitment to spend more time together and make a weekly date night with your spouse a priority. This may take you sitting down together with your spouse and planning out your schedule. BRAG ON YOUR SPOUSE DAILY. Any old lame critic can pick out someone’s faults; instead focus on […]

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SPICE UP YOUR MARRIAGE BY TRYING THIS…

We love the Samsung commercial where the wife shares a video with her husband and says, “I also have a video for you, but you probably shouldn’t watch it on the plane.” 😉 99.9% of the men in this world that have seen that commercial sat there thinking, “Hey, I’m going to buy one of […]

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College Students: How To Stay A Christian During College

College should be one of the best times in your life because you are out on your own and making your own choices. BUT college should NEVER be the time you ditch God and your faith in order to experience the world. I read recently where 70% of college students quit Christianity during college … despite […]

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10 Early Warning Signs You’re Headed For An Affair

We don’t believe anyone ever goes looking to have an affair. Instead, affairs happen over time when we let our guard down and quit focusing on our marriages. One of the best things you can do to keep your marriage strong is to pay attention to the signs that your relationship is headed in the […]

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10 Things You Should Be Praying For Your Marriage

Thank God for your spouse and marriage. Ask God to bless your spouse. Ask God to give you and your spouse wisdom. Ask God to bless your spouse to be a good parent. Pray for your future together. Pray that you will keep your priorities straight. Pray that you and your spouse will guard your […]

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Husbands, Improve Your Marriage by Learning To Speak The Language of Romance

Husbands, when you think of the word ‘romance’ you often think of sex, but for a woman romance means something totally different. Romance to a woman are the little things you do like bringing her flowers, surprising her with a dinner out, small talk, a night without distractions, help with the kids and dishes, etc. […]

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Join Us For A Stronger Marriage Workshop

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About Me

Trey Morgan Here are my thoughts about marriage, family, raising children, humor, faith and the life God intended for us all. I am a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the church of Christ in Childress, Texas. My wife Lea and I have been married for 25 years. We are doing our best to raise our 4 boys, who are all growing up way too fast.

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Trey Morgan
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Husband, father and cancer survivor & Senior Minister for the Childress Church of Christ. Tweets about life, marriage and randomness.
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